Birthday Boxes and Pink Haired Toasters
by Aeris1172
Summary: Like a crackhead minus the crack. [Meaning it's a head.] WARNING: Major insanity within, do not read if you are not craziness tolerant! [Crackfic, oneshot, R&R]


**Birthday Boxes and Pink-Haired Toasters**

OHHHSNAP. Aeris is doing a oneshit. Ahem, oneSHOT. This is KOS-MOS rox's Thanksgiving/Birthday/Christmas/New Year's Eve/St. Patty's Day/Easter/Marty's Birthday fic. …Yeah.

WARNING: This is a crack fic. It is NOT to be taken seriously. At all. Okay? Okay. This crack fic contains spoilers for Xenosaga. 'Cept the Durandal still exists, yo. SEE?? THAT WAS A SPOILER!

I do not own these characters… Or…Thanksgiving… I don't really own anything… Cept mah cardboard box. –climbs into it- :D I don't own House either. None of the characters.

**xXxXxXx**

No words were spoken as the couple gazed into each other's eyes. Blue met emerald bashfully, and nervous fingers intertwined clumsily. The silence was overwhelmingly loud as it crushed down upon the newfound lovers, their breathing the only thing audible.

"Your hand is sweating."

"I know."

"Make it stop."

"What? I can't just make my hand stop sweating!"

The awkwardly romantic silence was broken by our favourite dumb brunette when she felt an uncomfortable warmth in between her and Allen's hand. She withdrew her hand from his and he whimpered pathetically, pouting. Shion gazed at him.

"Aww. You haven't done that since Episode I," she cooed at him, smiling. "You're so cyute!" She pinched his cheeks without warning, making baby noises at him, and puckering up her lips. Some drool squirted out of his mouth, and ran down his chin, for he had no control over his lips while in Shion's baby-cheek-pinch-death grip thing. She was still grinning stupidly at him. She removed her razor sharp nails from his nearly bleeding cheeks and kissed him softly.

"HOLYSHITKATIEHOLMSBEINGTOSSEDOVERNIAGRAFALLS!" came a shriek from behind a bush, along with a rustle and a smacking noise. "Hoshit." Shion pulled away from Allen and gazed dreamily into his eyes.

"Say something, Allen?"

"…You were kissing me. How could I have said anything?" He questioned, raising an eyebrow. Shion said nothing but let her mouth hang open, her eyes crossing. Allen snapped his fingers in front of her face.

"Did you take your meds this morning?" He asked her, concern obvious in his voice.

"No, of _course_ I'm not pregnant with the next Jesus. What are you talking about, Allen?"

"You didn't put your hearing aid in either, did you?" He questioned quietly, staring at her.

"WHAT?! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" Shion shrieked at the top of her lungs, scrunching up her nose. Allen cringed slightly.

"Nevermind…" He took her hand once again, and stood up, leading her off to elsewhere so she could put in her hearing aid and take her meds.

Look at that bush over there… Do you see it? …No, not that one, the one with the giant camera lens sticking out of it… Yes, that one. …No, that is NOT a submarine! …How do I know? Well, it's a camera lens... The camera lens is not attached to a submarine, for God's sake! …Oh, would you shut up? I'm trying to tell an emotional story here!

"Oh, _both_ of you shut up. You screwed up my tape. It was supposed to be a passionate story of Shion and Allen," a voice snapped from inside the bush, the leaves shaking and falling off as a slender girl about fourteen or fifteen stood up, a large branch duct-taped onto the bike helmet she was wearing. She pulled the helmet off with much difficulty and pained grunts. She whipped around her golden brown hair (which was in a ponytail), as if she was in a Charlie's Angel's movie. Her hair hit her eye, and she let out a, "Nyurgh!" of pain, before wiping away a tear that was making it's way down her pale cheek. She sniffled and stepped over what was left of the shrubbery she had been hiding in.

"Now I have to edit the tape and make it all edity. It'll look _edity_. No one likes an edity tape, ya know?" She complained, pulling some leaves out of her shirt. "…Do you hear that?"

There was a quiet buzzing noise coming from outside of the Durandal's park, getting louder as it approached. The girl stared at an object that whizzed in, drool running down her chin. It stopped in front of her and let out a girly whine.

"Aawwwww! I was looking for Jr. but he's not heeeereee," it whined.

"…Toaster?" The girl muttered, her nose scrunching up at the object floating in front of her. Indeed it was a toaster floating in front of her. The toaster had a small face on the front of it, and short pink hair. Its tiny mouth was formed into a pout. A second girl popped out of the same bush the girl had been in, minus all the camouflage gear.

"Lex?" The second girl said, tapping her friend on the shoulder.

"Quoi?"

"What was that?" The second girl asked quietly.

"Je ne sais pas," Lex responded, shrugging weakly. The second girl punched Lex in the shoulder angrily.

"STOP SPEAKING IN FRENCH!" The girl screeched. Lex winced.

"JE SUIS DESOLE!"

"Yep! I'm Momo!" The toaster cried, rocking back and forth happily, making a small squeaky noise. There was a flash of white light, and suddenly Momo was back into her normal short girly corset-wearing self. Lex and the girl stared at Momo with their mouths hanging open. "Have you seen Jr. by any chance?"

"N-Nerp. How bout you, Eden?" Lex said quietly, still staring at Momo in disbelief. Eden scoffed at Momo and pursed her lips.

"That's like asking if an emo boy is straight!" she exclaimed, pointing at Momo accusingly.

"I take offense to that," said a tall boy in all black, approaching them slowly. Eden dropped to her knees and clenched her fists, screaming to the heavens above.

"VOYAAGERRRR!"

"No, actually, it's chaos," said the boy, brushing some of his emo-cut hair out of his black outlined eyes.

"…Oh. Okay. Wait. But aren't you dead?" Eden asked, staring at him, confused.

"…Do I look dead?" he asked.

"Kinda, and aren't you really gay too?" It was quiet for a few seconds, until chaos coughed.

"…Um. No," he responded slowly, biting his lip and kicking the ground. Lex scoffed loudly.

"So is that why I found pictures of two men-" Eden gasped and threw her hands over Momo's innocent ears as Lex continued with the very detailed description of a picture she'd found on chaos's bed.

"Yeah!" Lex said, finishing her description, and pointing at chaos, looking nuts.

"You missed my ears," Momo said, looking up at Eden, who had her hands on Momo's chin. Eden winced.

"Sorry, honey," she said, patting Momo on top of her head. "You shouldn't have heard that, but you'll live. Just don't talk to Juli about it. Or Jr. Or Ziggy. Or anyone. Pretend you never heard it, alright?" Momo blinked.

"What did I hear?" She asked. "I was fully preoccupied with that firefly across the room."

"Oh. Well, good," Eden said, smiling at Momo. "Run along. Go rape a savepoint or something." Momo grinned at the girl looking down at her.

"Okie dokie!" With that, Momo took off, marching at a fast tempo in high step towards the nearest savepoint, giggling loudly. Looking around, chaos pursed his lips.

"Um. I'm gonna go… do something," he said quietly, flipping his hair gaily as he tried to walk away unnoticed. His hips twisted dramatically, practically model-walking out of the park.

"YOU WEREN'T UNNOTICED, CHAOS!" Shrieked Lex, waving her arms around. "I NOTICED YOU! OHHH HOW I NOTICED YOU! SO DID YOUR MOM!"

"Oh, snap, Lex. You did _not_ just say your mom," Eden said grimly, looking at Lex with her jaw clenched. The girl with the video camera glanced at Eden confusedly.

"Eh?"

**xXxXxXx**

On the other end of the Durandal, Allen and Shion wandered around aimlessly. Well, it wasn't completely aimless, for Allen was searching frantically for Shion's hearing aid by asking every citizen who passed them "HAVE YOU SEEN MY GIRLFRIEND'S HEARING AID?" extremely loudly. They all responded the same: staring at Allen in a scared manner. Shion suddenly stopped dancing slash attempting to walk properly and she stopped breathing as if she'd been punched in the stomach.

"M-Mom," she muttered, her eyes welling up with tears. Talk about mood swings. Jesus Christ, is she pregnant or something?

"Shion," echoed a familiar voice within Shion's mind. The voice repeated in her mind, along with Lex's loud exclamation of "YOUR MOM!" She thrashed, grabbing her hair and dropping to her knees.

"STOP THE VOICES!" She screamed at the top of her lungs, tears streaming down her face.

"Shion, it's alright," the familiar voice whispered again. Unknown to our favourite mood-swinging ex-Vector employee, her older brother's ghost descended from the ceiling of the red ship, and placed his translucent hands over her ears. Her eyes snapped open and her hands dropped to her sides. Everything was silent. She couldn't hear anything. Not her breathing, not Allen yelling in her face, or the cats meowing loudly in the corner as they had a sword duel with their tails. Her breathing resumed normality as she sniffed.

"Wh…Why…" She began quietly, her lip trembling. She suddenly shrieked again. The surrounding people yelling as well, throwing their own hands over their ears for protection against Shion's seismic screeching. The cats that had been dueling suddenly dropped dead.

"WHY IS JIN'S GHOST TOUCHING MY EARS?" She shrieked as loud as she possibly could, curling into a fetal position as she began hyperventilating. Suddenly, Momo strutted into the room in a pair of tight pink spandex long johns with a sweatband around her forehead. She was wearing a long sleeved Lion King shirt and had a silly smile on her face, as did the group of people following behind her in step. They all wore the same thing as Momo, along with the stupid smile.

"QUATRE, TROIS, DEUX, UNE," Momo yelled loudly, tapping her left foot. Suddenly, music began playing loudly, and the entire group behind her began doing the White Girl dance.

"CAUSE I'M VIRGINLICIOUS," she sang loudly, tap dancing skillfully. The group behind her all swayed their nonexistent hips in time with the music.

"IT'S NOT HOT!" They sang back after Momo's line. Shion had stopped hyperventilating and was staring at Momo silently with her jaw hanging open.

"It's virginlicious!"

"SHE PUTS THEM THINGS ON, SOCKS, SOCKS!" Momo's grin widened and she pointed at her feet then began discoing out of beat.

"It's virginlicious!"

"SHE'S NEVER, EVER HAD A SHOT!" The group behind her was attempting to do Thriller, and failing miserably, when Jin's ghost slid in front of Momo. He was wearing ghost bling, with the word "GANGSTERRRR" engraved into the gold.

"Hit it, shorty!" Jin exclaimed loudly, his arms crossed, looking smug as he watched the crowd. Momo stepped forwards, just to beside Jin's ghost.

"All the time I sit around, pedos gather 'round, always looking at me up and down, and always going 'mmm!' I just wanna say it now, I ain't trying to hound no pickles on no burgers, I don't wanna take your plate; and I know I'm coming off just a little bit retarded and I keep on repeating how the pedos wanna steal it, but I'm trying to say that I can't be treated like an easy lay, cause they say VIRGINLICIOUS!"

"Virginlicious!"

"But, wanna be promiscuous, and if you were suspicious, only fished for some fishes. Not a Mrs. I put them things on, socks, socks, and they're just fallin' on the dock seeing all the fish I caught!"

"Ayy, ayy, ayy, ayyy" The girls behind her echoed this, and pulled lineless fishing rods out of nowhere.

"QUATRE, TROIS, DEUX, UNE," Jin yelled, counting down on his ghostly hands. Momo dropped to her knees beside Jin, and suddenly the room was filled with streamers and sparkly things falling from the ceiling. Someone screamed in pain as a toaster cascaded from the ceiling and nailed them directly in the forehead.

"Virginliciouuuus," Momo sang as loudly as she could, impersonating an overdone chromatic scale gone wrong. Shion gawked quietly for a few seconds before falling forwards, her eyes rolling to the back of her head and passing out. There were a few collective gasps around the room.

"Shion!" Allen screamed, dropping to her side, rolling her over, shaking her.

"OHMAGAWD," Momo squealed, rushing over to Shion and dropping to her side. She pressed her pinky against Shion's upper ear. "I don't feel a pulse!"

"Quick!" Someone commanded, a thick Australian accent coming through as a blond, handsome man stormed into the hallway, followed by a woman with long brown hair and a black man. A man with a cane was limping behind. All of them except the man with a cane were wearing white lab coats.

"You just love to run to the patients, dontcha?" The man with the cane inquired, raising an eyebrow at the blond man. His comment was ignored as the three people sat around Shion, shoving Allen out of the way. There were whispers around the room as to why these people weren't attending to the man bleeding in the corner who had toaster trauma.

"Getting a pulse, Foreman?" the crippled man asked, pulling a pill container out of his pocket and popping a pill.

"Yeah. Steady and strong pulse. Cameron, check for broken bones," he commanded. The woman looked up at him confusedly.

"Uh. How do I do that again?" She asked, looking up at Foreman innocently.

"House, what's wrong with her?" Foreman directed his gaze to House, who was standing and trying to dance with his cane. He didn't stop under Foreman's glare, but continued, locking eyes with Foreman and making a face.

"She's high. She took meth. Again," House explained casually. Foreman's expression changed from concerned to supremely confused.

"Where'd she get it?"

"From me. I'm a dealer. Haven't you noticed? I'm so ghetto," House exclaimed sarcastically, pulling the pill container out of his pocket and shaking it in Foreman's face.

"Shion took meth? What's meth?" Momo asked, coming up beside House. He looked down at her.

"Well aren't you the cutest little thing with pink hair I've ever seen. Girl," he began, putting one hand on his hip, "you tasty!" Momo frowned noticeably, which was odd, for she was always smiling. Maybe she was on speed all the time.

"This woman didn't take meth, she just passed out. Maybe too much mental stress."

"Very good Foreman. Want a cookie?" House shook the pill bottle in Foreman's face again, earning a glare from him.

"Is Shion going to be okay?" Allen asked, appearing beside her again and taking her hand.

"Maybe I should like, go… over somewhere," Cameron said, looking as if she was about to lose consciousness.

"Chase, go help Cameron sit down," House commanded, pointing to a couch on the other side of the hallway.

"Why me?" Chase asked, looking up at House.

"Because Aeris1172 wrote it that way. Now go help her sit down. I'm too busy being a cocky bastard."

"Fine," Chase said quietly, standing up and dragging Cameron over to the couch. She sat down and stared up at him, wide eyed.

"Hi," she said quietly, smiling at him. He rolled his eyes at her.

"Just take her to her room and throw her on the bed. Do it about six times until she bounces off the mattress and hits the floor. She will then proceed to wake up, but in pain. Give her a cookie and a big hug. Don't forget to kiss her booboo," House told Allen. Allen nodded, and took mental notes.

"Okay. Six times. Pain. Cookie. Hug," Allen repeated aloud. House rolled his eyes, then limped off, followed by Foreman. Momo saw Chase shake his head, and begin to walk off. Cameron grabbed his arm and pulled him down on top of her, and the two locked lips. Sensing the sexual tension, every person except Momo and Allen gathered in a crowd around Cameron and Chase who were locked in a face suck extravaganza. The entire crowd sat down simultaneously, and all suddenly had bags of popcorn in their laps, including Jin. House popped back in the room.

"Anybody need butter?" He inquired, staring at the crowd, who completely ignored his comment. He shrugged and limped off once more. Suddenly, Eden ran into the room, nearly hyperventilating.

"OHMYGAHD!" She screeched pointing at Cameron and Chase, then looking at the clipboard she was holding in her arms. "I CAN PUT A CHECK MARK NEXT TO THEIR NAMES! I CAN FINALLY SAY I SAW THE PAIRING IN ACTI—Oh. Wait a sec. Saw it already. In the episode Hunting. OH WELL. I'll just put another check!"

"Shut up," someone from the crowd complained, throwing their drink at her. She caught it in one hand and took a long slurp of it.

"Tasty," she commented, then threw the drink back at the person. It splattered all over them yet they did not move from their position and continued watching Cameron and Chase's intimate moment. Chase's shirt was already off and Cameron was working on his jeans. Allen and Momo passed by Eden.

"Whatcha doin' there, guys?" She asked, looking at Shion.

"Shion passed out."

"Whoa, why?"

"She claimed she was hearing voices, then Jin's ghost showed up, and Momo starting singing Virginlicious," Allen told, sending a quick glare at Momo, who looked at the ground.

"Uh, don't you mean Fergalicious?"

"…No," Allen replied shortly. He and Momo began carrying Shion as well as they could with her deadweight body being crooked because of the height difference. Eden frowned.

"LEX!" She screamed as loudly as she could.

"Shut up!" The crowd yelled in response, every single person throwing their drink at her. They collided with her and she was soaked in a mixture of pop and God knows what else they had snuck into the 'theater' under their coats. She sniffled sadly, and walked off, dripping wet.

"MmmWHOA," Chase muttered against Cameron's lips, looking over and seeing the crowd watching him and her anxiously.

"What?" She asked, then looked over to the crowd. "Oh, hello." Chase pulled himself off of Cameron, buttoning up his pants and searching for his shirt. The women in the audience 'aww'ed loudly at loss of the sight of Chase's bare chest. Cameron sat up, her hair looking like a bird's nest. A parakeet promptly zoomed out of her hair, and landed in an audience's member's palm. They laughed maniacally.

"Ah yes! My evil plan is working! Muaaaaha!" Their laughter was interrupted as they began choking. "ACK!"

"Evil plan?" Cameron asked.

"I thought you were high on meth!" Chase said in disbelief, gawking at Cameron. She made a face.

"You seriously believed House? Ah, nah, I just told him to say that because I wanted to sleep with you."

"YES, AN EVIL PLAN! It succeeded perfectly!" The man stood up and whipped off his cape to reveal Albedo.

Wow. Big surprise there, eh?

"Albedo!" A familiar voice yelled. The camera panned to the left end of the hallway to show a short figure standing in the dark. Yes—I said camera. They're filming this, dontcha know?

"I've come for… revenge," he said grimly, stepping forwards into light. He was clad in a tight pink tutu with fake breasts in the chest. Everyone gawked. Even the camera man had to look around the side of the camera to see if he wasn't hallucinating. Albedo's lips turned into a thin line before he let out a whine.

"But Cosmo said you would like it!" He complained stomping his feet like a child.

"Like it? It makes me suicidal!" Jr. whipped the fake breasts out of the tutu and threw them anywhere. One landed on the camera's lens, blocking the view. Albedo stared at it for a moment, then approached Jr.

"Don't come near me! I can do ballet!" He exclaimed, taking a karate stance.

"Jr. That's karate. Not ballet."

"No, bitch! C'est taekwondo!" Jr. attempted to defend his statement by prancing around aimlessly. Albedo watched him.

"Ballet slash taekwondo slash karate?" He asked, tapping his foot impatiently.

"Slash yoga!" Jr. assumed the tree position. "I'm a tree! You can't hurt me!"

"Slash poetry too, I'm guessing," Albedo exclaimed emotionlessly. Cameron and Chase sprinted out of the hallway followed by the angry mob that had been watching their live softcore porn.

"WE WANT OUR MONEY BACK!" They screamed, attempting to throw things at the two doctors as they ran as fast as they could. The movie crew followed the mob, leaving Jr. and Albedo alone. Jr. was still prancing.

"I swear, if you don't stop, I'm going to set your tutu on fire," Albedo warned. Jr. immediately ceased his prancing and went into attention. "MARK TIME, MARK!" Jr. obeyed. A smirk came upon Albedo's face.

"FORWARD, MOVE!" Jr. marched out of the room, led by Albedo, who was humming a song and skipping. As they disappeared, and Albedo's loud humming was no longer audible, Jin quietly took off his ghost bling and stared at it sadly. He ran a ghostly finger over it and frowned.

"God's gonna kick my ass."

**xXxXxXx**

Shion lay in her bed, silent, still unconscious. The room was quiet, and no one was whispering. All eyes lay on Shion, unaware of the worry she was stirring in everyone's heart. Allen reached over and brushed a strand of hair out of her closed eyes and let his hand linger on her forehead momentarily. Ziggy frowned at Shion, wishing she'd wake up. Momo sat at the end of her bed quietly, feeling an overwhelming guilt wash over her as she looked up at Shion's peaceful face. The door slid open, and in walked Lex casually, a frown upon her lips. She approached Allen and sighed.

"I'm really sorry about Shion," she said quietly, eyes filled with remorse. Allen gave her a weak smile.

"It's alright. It's not like it's your fault," he said, looking back down at Shion. The electronic door slid open again. Everyone glanced at it, but no one walked in. They returned their gazes to Shion.

"YEAAAH BABY I'M GOIN' TO SEE CRASH BOOM BANG!" Eden screamed, sprinting into the room. She began singing a random song and she did a somersault, then sprung up behind Lex jovially. There was a huge grin on her face. Lex glanced at her emotionlessly.

"It rocks, huh? Eh? EH?" She asked, chewing her gum loudly. Lex elbowed her in the stomach roughly, and Eden let out a screech before falling to her knees with tears in her eyes. "Ohhohh, my spleen," she said in a quiet whine, suppressing a cough.

"Actually, it is my fault. I said your mom to chaos, and Shion's supersonic hearing must have picked up on it."

"You mean supersonic screeching?" Momo asked, looking up at Lex with wide eyes.

"Last time I checked, voices couldn't hear," Lex exclaimed, looking annoyed with the pink-haired realian.

"The voices in my head can hear," came Shion's voice, "they tend to carry on conversations." Everyone looked at Shion in amazement, even Eden, who had pulled herself up.

"Shion!" Allen gasped, embracing her gently. She smiled and returned the embrace, wrapping her arms around him. Lex sniffled and whipped out her video camera. Eden glanced at her, pursing her lips.

"Where'd you just pull that out of?" She asked. Lex looked back at her.

"Your-" Shion's eyes turned towards Lex, expression dripped in fear. "-monk." Shion smiled again as Lex turned on the camera, exhaling. Ziggy stomped past the small crowd surrounding Shion's bed.

"I need to go to work," he exclaimed blankly. A giant tube popped out of the floor and he turned towards everyone around Shion's bunk. "Bye." He jumped into the tube and slid down it. His 'wheeee'ing could be heard as the tube slid back into the floor, the carpeting covering the open panel. Eden glanced at Lex, who had just shut off the video camera.

"Please tell me you just got that on tape," she begged.

"Got what on tape?" Lex asked curiously, glancing at Eden with wide eyes. "Did I miss a minor detail of Shion and Allen's innocent lovefest?"

"…No, but you missed Ziggy jumping into a tube," Eden explained.

"Fallopian tube?" Momo asked, looking at Eden, her eyes very wide. Eden imitated her eyes.

"Where'd you learn that word?" She asked the realian. She smiled.

"It's a secret," Momo explained, putting her index finger to her lips.

"I'll give you Jr's boxers if you tell me," Lex told the girl, wriggling her eyebrows. Momo's jaw dropped.

"In Tony's book 'How To Please Her Up To Her Fallopian Tubes'," she told, extending her hands. Lex made a face.

"That doesn't even make sense…"

"It does if you can do it," came a voice from the door. Tony strutted into the room, hands shoved into his pockets looking smug. "Want me to please you up to your fallopian tubes?" Lex made a face.

"Please. You just pronounced it fall open tubs. You don't know where it is," she complained, putting a hand on her hip.

"In your head, babe," Tony said. "Heheh. Head." With a wink at Lex, he strutted over to Shion, where she and Allen were still in a gentle embrace.

"So, Shion, babe. Want some'a Tony? Stronger than a tiger," he said, looking extremely smug. Allen pulled away from Shion, and both of them gawked at him.

"Come on, I know I'm good looking, but really," he said, doing a hair flip. His hair rebelled and decided to smack him in the eye instead of making him look sexy. Allen's face grew red. Shion just gave him a stupid look.

"This is a job for… SuperAllen!" Allen exclaimed valiantly, jumping off the bed, hitting his head on the top bunk. "OW!" He collapsed back onto the bed momentarily, before sprinting off to the corner, where there sat a large red telephone booth. Like the ones in England! Or do they still have those? Cause they got rid of those double decker buses, and that quite frankly SUCKS. …Ahem.

"WHEEEE," Allen squealed as he spun around in the phonebooth. "WHEE! WHEE! AH AHHH AHHHH! OH MY GOD, I'M GETTING NAUSEOUS HERE!" The phonebooth spat him out onto the floor. He was dressed in a spandex suit with a large A embroidered into the chest region, and his face was green. He retched, and held a hand over his mouth.

"Eugh, crap," he muttered. When he noticed all eyes on him, he glanced at the crowd and sprung up. "I'm SUPERALLEN!" He sprinted over to Tony and a very thick dictionary appeared in Allen's arms. "FACE MY INTELLIGENT WRATH!" Allen began beating Tony mercilessly with the huge dictionary and Tony did not hesitate to scream like a girl as his spleen was nearly ripped to shreds. Shion, Lex, Eden and Momo stared at Allen in sheer surprise at his actions. Allen finally lay off beating Tony up and stood, glaring at the man on the floor.

"That'll teach you!" He exclaimed proudly, marching back over to the telephone booth and hopping in. He spun once more, letting out the same joyous squeals. Tony sat up quickly, the skin around his eyes black and blue.

"I need to pee," he said shortly, standing up as fast as he could without killing himself. He limped off, out of the door, towards the bathroom. Momo followed suit, crying her little eyes out. Her virginlicious eyes had been ruined! Allen stepped out of the phonebooth in a suit, holding a briefcase. He was wearing a pair of glasses as well.

"What the crap?" He muttered, throwing off the glasses and dropping the briefcase. Shion hopped off the bed and pranced over to him.

"Oh, Allen! You're my hero!" She exclaimed. Cheesy music began playing. Lex looked up at the ceiling in confusion.

"Ew. Cheesy music," Eden complained, sticking her tongue out. Lex's jaw dropped.

"That's not just any cheesy music," she explained.

"Elevator music?" Eden asked, looking at her and chewing her gum loudly once again. Lex shook her head, gawking at Shion and Allen.

"That's porn music!"

"Of course YOU would know," Eden muttered, shaking her head. "I'm out." She walked out of the door, only to be knocked over by Jr. who was running down the hall, being chased by Momo.

"GIMME YOUR UNDIES!" Momo screamed, extending her hands and trying desperately to catch Jr., who screamed in terror and ran faster as a response. She waited a few more moments for Lex. An extremely obese cat waddled by, followed by Capt. Mathews who was taking pictures of it happily.

"C'mon baby, gimme that sexy look!" He begged the cat desperately. The cat looked back at him and meowed sadly. He laughed and crawled behind the cat until they turned the corner. Eden shuddered. Lex walked out of the room finally, a huge grin on her face.

"Stop smiling like an idiot," Eden snapped, glaring at her.

"Aww, come on, cheer up, I just saw Shion and Allen begin to suck face," she said joyfully. Eden shrugged.

"Well I just saw Momo chasing Jr. for his boxers, but I'm not exactly joyous about that," she complained, pursing her lips.

"Really?" Lex asked, poking her head around Eden, looking for the two.

"Yeah. Really. It was kinda scary." As soon as Eden finished her sentence, Jr. came zooming around the corner, Momo hot on his heels. He was screaming insanely.

"HELLPPP MEEE!" He squealed as he sprinted past the two girls watching the chase extravaganza.

"Heh, I should record this…" Lex muttered, reaching for her camera. She stopped, and her expression dropped.

"What?"

"I left the camera in the room."

"So? No big deal," Eden said, suppressing a yawn. Lex nodded in a crazy manner.

"VERY BIG DEAL! I was gonna go back in there and record them getting it on!"

"You have problems, and you're also outta luck," Eden replied, walking off. Lex yelled at her.

"WHERE ARE YOU GOING!?"

"To… I dunno. Sleep? Eat something? Rape a savepoint?"

"NO! YOU'RE HELPING ME GET THE CAM!"

"No I'm not," Eden clarified, crossing her arms stubbornly and standing rooted to the spot. Lex glared at her.

"Fine. Be selfish."

"Kay." She waved and walked off, leaving Lex standing in front of Shion and Allen's door sadly. Tears filled Lex's eyes and she began pounding her fists on the door as hard as she could.

"Let me in," she cried, choking on her own tears. "I WANT MY CAMERA!" She sunk to the floor sadly, tears running down her face. She pouted, then slammed her head against the door hopelessly. Her mission had failed.

She was a failure.

**xXxXxXx**

Shion collapsed next to Allen, her breathing labored. They both climbed under the covers of the bunk, even though there's no way possible two adults could fit into a twin sized bunk bed together. Let's say it's double sized. Do they make double sized bunks? They do now.

"That was... amazing," Allen breathed, laughing in between words. Shion nodded wordlessly, cuddling up to him.

"Oh!" She said. "Did you turn the camera off?"

"Whoops. I'll do that now," Allen said, pecking her on the forehead before throwing the covers off of his bare body and stalking over to the camera. He pressed the big red button, turning the record function off. He switched it to the 'Off' option on the side. Once he threw himself back into bed, Shion snuggled up to him again.

"Don't forget to take the tape out of it before we give it back to that girl, okay?" Allen told Shion, looking down at her. She nodded and placed a small peck on his lips.

"Goodnight," she said, turning the lights off with the remote control.

**xXxXxXx**

Lex awoke with a gasp. She sat straight up, setting her hand on her forehead and groaned. Her head was pounding, and she'd had the most terrifying nightmare. She'd left her camera in Shion and Allen's room, and left. They had got it going on, and she realized she left it in there as soon as she stepped out of the room and the door locked behind her. She'd banged her fists on the door and broken into tears. Tch! Like that would ever happen!

The door slid open and in walked Eden with a glass of water. She sat down on the bed beside Lex and handed the water to her.

"What happened to me?" Lex asked, taking the water from her friend.

"You passed out next to Shion and Allen's door. Ziggy carried you here. But it was kinda freaky because he was dressed like a woman and was carrying a big boombox. I think he's a cross-dressing break dancer," Eden explained. "Drink." Lex did, and took a large gulp of her water.

"Wow. That's weird. I had a nightmare I left my camera in Shion and Allen's room and they started having sex and I didn't get to record it." Lex stared blankly at the glass of water as she explained. Eden frowned.

"That actually happened."

"Oh… Right," Lex said quietly, her lips forming a large frown. The door slid open to reveal Allen and Shion. They were both smiling and looked like they had been laughing about something. Lex's frown mutated into an attempt at a smile.

"Heeey," she said as happily as she could.

"Hi," Shion said, approaching her. She kneeled beside the bed and handed Lex the camera. "You forgot this in our room."

"Yeah I know. Sorry about that." Lex set the camera in her lap.

"Oh, no problem at all. We're glad you did," Allen exclaimed. Shion turned her head towards Allen, a smirk on her lips. Allen winked at her. Lex picked up on this immediately.

"Uh. Yeah," Lex said quietly, watching their expressions like a hawk. A fangirl hawk.

"Well, we'll see you later, okay?" Shion said, smiling at her.

"Uh huh. Bye," Eden said, waving at them as they walked out of the door.

"Do you think it hurt the baby?" Lex heard Allen ask Shion quietly. She shook her head. Lex nearly fell off the bed.

"Of course not."

"Did you take the tape out?"

"Duh, I'm not that stupid."

"I know."

As soon as the door closed behind Shion and Allen, Lex fumbled for the camera, and turned it on. She went to rewind it, and it didn't rewind. She glanced at the time of the tape. It had been rewound, but was still in there. She pressed play. Allen and Shion sitting in the park. She fast-forwarded it. Play. Shion and Allen embracing tightly. She waited for that to play through, which only took about thirty seconds. Eden came over to the other side of Lex's bed.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"They recorded it and left the tape in," Lex's lips fumbled out. Suddenly, the screen switched to Allen looking at the screen and tapping it.

"_Okay, it's on,"_ he said. Lex squealed. As soon as Allen reached Shion, everything went black. She tried screaming, but nothing came out.

**xXxXxXx**

"Leeexiee, wake up! It's Christmas! Come on," a voice begged through the darkness. Lex groaned in annoyance. Then she realized she could hear and speak. She opened her eyes and there she was in her room. Her mother was leaning over her, a huge smile on her face.

"Get up! You've got presents to open!" With that, her mother left her room, closing the door behind her. Lex stared at the ceiling with her jaw hanging open in disbelief.

_A… dream?_

She screamed in annoyance and picked up a pillow, throwing it across the room.

"AAARGHHHH!"

SMASH!

"AHHH I CAN'T FRICKIN' BELIEVE THAT WAS ALL A DREAM!"

**_. F i N ._**

**xXxXxXx**

**A/N: **MERRY CHRISTMAS, KMR. Slash happy birthday. Even though your b-day was in September. SORRY. I fail. Just like you did at recording :D Wasn't this fic CRACKALICIOUS? Toldja.

I have a few thanks I'd like to give. Firstly to chaosxshion to helping me with some things in here, and to my friend Desiree for helping me with coming up with the socks line in Momo's Virginlicious rap!

The little blue-purple button down there is waiting for you. A review can be your Christmas present to me!

Aeris loves you.


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